


Avenge Me

by thesaltydragon, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, not much else to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 09:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13901130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltydragon/pseuds/thesaltydragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Evan and squirrels don’t mix.





	Avenge Me

Jared figured his mistake probably lay in agreeing to accompany Evan to the state park. “Evan, please stop chasing the squirrel. He doesn't want the sandwich.”

“But it’s peanut butter, don’t squirrels like nuts?” Evan had it cornered up a tiny tree. 

Jared hummed, watching worriedly. “I’m not so sure that’s the same thing, honey.” Please don’t let Evan get attacked by a squirrel. Please?

Evan ignored him. “It’s coming back down! It likes me!” The squirrel was obviously very angry. 

Jared winced. “Evan, please, I think it's mad. It's gonna bite you or something.”

“It’s not mad, Jared.”

Jared desperately tugged at Evan's sleeve. “It's definitely mad!”

“No it isn’t! Look.” Evan stepped closer to it, holding the sandwich up. “C’mon, lil guy.”

God damn it. “Evan, you’re gonna get hurt.” This was a recipe for disaster. 

“No. You’re gonna get proven wrong.” Evan inched closer to the squirrel. 

Jared watched, feeling sad. There was literally no possible way this was going to end well. Maybe he should go ahead and call for help in advance? Jeez. “Oh, Evan,” He sighed.

“Look, it’s coming closer!” Evan crouched down. 

Jared closed his eyes. Maybe if he didn’t look, it wouldn’t happen.

It did happen. Some screams, a dropped sandwich, and a frantic boyfriend later, Evan was sitting on a hospital bed with the pout of the century. 

Jared sat in the chair beside Evan’s bed, trying his best to bite back his smile. “So. Did it like the sandwich?”

Evan’s voice came out angry and staccato. “No, Jared. It did not.”

Jared made a choked sound, looking up at Evan. “Will you actually listen next time, then?”

“Will you not treat me like a child?” Evan kept his pout. “I really thought it was gonna eat the sandwich.”

Jared leaned up to run a hand through Evan’s hair. “I know, Honey. Maybe next time we just stick to trees and flowers, though, yeah? No more wildlife.” Jared wanted a kiss.

“Then you shouldn’t have pointed out how close the squirrel was to begin with.” Evan did not want a kiss. 

Jared scoffed. “I didn’t think you would like it _that_ much! Can I have a kiss?”

“You know I’m excitable! And you know it’s heightened when we’re outside! And no, my face hurts.” Evan had tiny scratches down his cheeks and a few on his lip. The squirrel had really been angry. 

Jared pouted, but accepted his answer. “I know, Ev. I know. Are you okay, though, like for real? This probably isn’t how you wanted our day out to go.”

“It really isn’t,” Evan snapped. “And I dunno, ask the doctor when he comes back.”

Jared grumbled. “Speaking of him, can’t we leave yet? Why are we still sitting here?”

“He went to get my mom,” Evan grumbled. 

Jared gave him a flat look. “He called your mom?” 

Evan hesitated. “I told him to.”

“Evan. You are 20 years old.”

“She deserves to know!”

Jared laughed, grabbing Evan's hand. “Alright, alright, fine. We’ll wait for her to give you her advice as a professional mother.”

“Yes we will,” Evan said. He knew what she would say. ‘Evan, why would you chase a squirrel?’ ‘Don’t harass the animals.’ And the like. 

“I'm most upset that I can't get any kisses.”

“My face feels like it has a million paper cuts, Jared, I really don’t think I can handle a kiss from someone as salty as you.”

Jared choked, beaming at Evan. “Damn! That was actually really good!”

“What was?” Evan snapped. 

“That comeback! You actually really fuckin got me with it.” He smiled at him proudly.

Evan couldn’t hide his tiny smile. “Really?”

Jared nodded enthusiastically. “Hell yeah.”

“Thanks, I’m learning.” Evan was a little proud of himself now. 

Jared pressed a kiss to the back of Evan's hand. “You're doing amazing, sweetie.”

Evan winked—badly—at him. “Thanks.”

Jared giggled stupidly anyway. 

Evan finally sighed. “I can’t believe you let me get attacked by a wild squirrel.”

“What!? I tried to stop you!” Jared gaped at him in shock. 

“Not hard enough!”

Now it was Jared's turn to pout. “Evan!”

“And you didn’t even save me! You let me scream with a squirrel on my face! Talk about boyfriend material.”

Jared huffed. “I _would've_ helped, if you didn't freak out and hit me every time I got close!”

“My bad reflexes don’t need to be brought into this.”

Jared huffed again. “Then don’t say I didn’t try to help!”

“Just not hard enough, Jared!”

Jared sighed. “Fine, how can I make it up to you?”

“I’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.” 

“Jesus, that’s so ominous.” Jared frowned in mild worry.

Evan shrugged. He was in a horrible mood. He would apologize for his tone and ominousness later. 

“Next time I'll fight the squirrel for you, okay?”

“Fine, I’m counting on it.”

Jared giggled slightly. “I’ll even fight its family. The little baby squirrels, too.”

“Do it, I dare you. Avenge me.”

Jared’s eyes narrowed, a smile pulling at his lips. “Don’t test me, Hansen. I’ll go out there right now and track the squirrel down to fight it.”

“Do it if you’re bold enough.”

And _that_ is how Jared ended up in the hospital right alongside Evan. 

“Damn,” Evan said. He hadn’t known what he had expected. “At least we don’t have rabies.”

Jared nodded idly, crawling out of the hospital bed. “Now _I_ can deny you kisses, too.” He paused. “Wait, no, why would I want that?” Jared huffed. 

“You played yourself, J.”

Jared grumbled, pulling at Evan’s hand. “Aren’t you supposed to comfort me or something?”

“Yeah, my bad. Are you okay?” Evan would never _laugh_ at Jared, but he did just make the same mistake he’d yelled at Evan for. 

“My face hurts and I want a kiss.”

“Yeah, fine,” Evan pretended to grumble. He knew it would hurt the cuts on his lip, but he did feel bad for snapping at Jared and then getting him in the same boat. He leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

Jared gave him a dopey grin as he pulled away. “Ow. Thank you. Love those lips.” He paused, smile widening. “Love this boy.”

Evan couldn’t hold back his own grin. “Love that boy,” he said, poking a finger to Jared’s chest. 

Jared caught Evan's hand, linking their fingers. “Love you, Evan.”

Evan sighed. “Love you, too. Sorry I was mad. Thanks for avenging me.”

Jared shook his head, grinning. “Any day, Ev. I’ll fight twenty squirrels for you. Gotta protect my mans.”

“God, don’t say that again.”

Jared snorted, gently wrapping his arms around Evan's waist. “Why not?”

“It just sounds so weird.” Evan sighed again. “When can we leave? My mom left ages ago.”

Jared nodded enthusiastically. “Right now. Please. Hospital are so boring. Let's dip.” He tugging at his hand, leading him from the room.

“Is this legal?” Evan questioned. It probably was. 

“Eh,” Jared shrugged. “Probably.”

“Okay,” Evan said quietly. “Can we not go back to the park?”

Jared chuckled. “Wanna go home and take a nap?”

“God, yes.”


End file.
